My mind has become the enemy. I can't turn off my thoughts. I've come to realize that my thoughts have taken over my life and have kept me from being aware. My mind has been dulling my senses. Trust me, that gets me nowhere in the forest. Maybe that is what the church and what culture is consistently whispering in our ear. Keep thinking, keep processing and for God sakes don't stop! In my time away, I've discovered that the church and the culture have overloaded us with stimulation and in the meantime have done the opposite of what is preached (descent, humility, self-denial) by encouraging ascension, supremacy and self-importance... funny how these are actually viewed as xian characteristics today.
It has been hard to reteach my mind to shut off because I am a thinker, I'm a contemplater. I learned quickly as I began going over to the woods that impaired my ability to meditate, track, stalk, sing, read, journal and worship. I am doing it though. I noticed the first week in the woods, I saw very little out of the animals. I think it was because I had so much stuff going on inside of me that the animals picked up on it. Now in my time has been more fruitful, I've seen more activity since I've cleared my mind of all the stuff that weighed me down. I've seen groundhogs, fox, deer, raccoons, squirrel and lots of birds. Not to mention fox tracks.
It has also created an atmosphere for me to listen for the voice of God and an opportunity to worship in my own way that speaks to my being. The scriptures have began to come alive again as I've cleared my mind.
My tracking and stalking (animals not people) abilities have improved as well. This is happening because I've opened myself up to the spiritual dimensions of those disciplines. Stalking is more about stillness than movement. How interesting that it has paralleled the meditative aspect of my time away. I'm learning more about my fragmentation as I stalk and track. It's a fragmentation that I often don't address in my spiritual life. It's not bad... it's just not recognized often.
I think that is why the Lenten season was so empty (not the good kind) for me. I was walking in a daze not really aware as to where I was half the time. The mind tricks you into thinking that you are seeing when you are really not. I've started to see again and though I'm only halfway through this time, I know that it has already awakened my soul in such a way that the church hasn't recently.
I'll close with a quote from J. Krishnamurti:
So long as you are compelled to do something because it is your duty you don't love what you are doing. When there is love there is no duty...
Maybe after I'm done with this time away, it might be good to remember that it isn't my duty to be in the church... rather to love it.
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