Sometimes you love something so much you have to walk away from it for a time.
This is where I am with the church.
I just experienced my first Lenten and Easter season in which I was spiritually dead inside. I was hoping that an intense Holy week and Easter would transform my "grave-like" state into one of hope and re-awakening. But to tell the truth, this past Holy week felt no different than any other week. Maundy Thursday's Love Feast is usually the highlight of the year for me but that service, for reasons I won't get into here, carried absolutely no meaning whatsoever for me. Good Friday held no real time for remembering Christ's cross and sacrifice and what topped it off was the Easter service yesterday. I am not harping on the actual congregation's service (which I thought was probably the "best" Sunday morning worship service that I've been to in years) but rather how in the midst of all the talk about resurrection I could only feel empty and dead. There is just very little that is really speaking to me and my faith at this point... no worship services, no messages, no Sunday school, no music, no program, no study, no small group... it doesn't feel sincere or sacred for that matter.
There are factors that contribute to this sense of "deadness" and I won't diverge into all of those either or it will only seem as though I am making excuses. However, there are two factors that I will mention that might be affecting my season of spiritual deadness.
First, my wife and I are at a crossroads in our young marriage. After this week she will no longer have a job because her employer lost federal funding for their programming and as it turns out for staff salaries as well. And I am in a job that I really do not enjoy at all but feel like I have to stay in at the moment because of her not having any prospects at the moment. We are strongly thinking about moving closer to her family in Illinois or closer to my family in Ohio. We are both unhappy living in the city (we're rural folks by heart) and long for a chance to settle down into our own home in the country. With no real leads or direction it has been a frustrating two months for us. And I know the axiom that "God never closes one door without opening another" but it seems like an empty sentiment at this point because there doesn't appear to be any doors opening (employment-wise and financially) at all... of course that isn't necessarily God's doing rather the Bush Administration's lack of concern for the economy. We all are struggling...
Second, this is my second year away from pastoral ministry and I believe that not being as involved in the Lenten season as I had been for the previous 5 years has caused me to lose the focus that I might normally have if I were planning worship, messages and just overall more involved in the season.
I grew up in the church and rarely missed a Sunday even in college when I was involved in all sort of religious life not to mention pastoring two churches in the process. I have never had a chance (in nearly 28 years) to be away from it for a while. When you love something so much sometimes you have to be away from it in order to re-awaken what was important or special about it in the first place. This is why I am leaving the church for a time... not out of anger rather of love.
40 Days
I now know that the Spirit is leading me out into the wilderness for a time away from all the things that are draining me from my faith, including the church. I will have nothing to do with it for 6 weeks, after that we'll see.
I have set up a daily routine that involves me in a wilderness/nature setting, reading, praying, meditating, fasting, journaling/blogging, tracking, birdwatching and studying the scriptures as well as nature.
I am reconnecting with
A Place Apart's
Warrior, Mystic, Monk model. For the Warrior lifestyle; I will continue my weight training, cardio, healthy eating as well as practicing my outdoor survival skills and discipline. For the Mystic lifestyle; sit spots, yoga, writing new music and reading more on Native American Spirituality. For the Monk lifestyle: observing the monastic hours, simplicity and daily communion.
These practices and intentionality, I hope, will help me come alive again in Jesus Christ as I look to him always for the guidance, direction and the model for living, no longer as a Christian... but a believer and follower of Jesus.
I don't know how much I'll blog about my time away but who knows...
It's time to awaken the sacred fire within again.
