Looking ahead to 2008

My New Year's Resolutions for 2008:

1. Reach my goal weight of 175 lbs.
2. Record a demo CD of my own original music
3. Have the first 150 pages of my suspense novel complete
4. Do my Vision Quest or take the Advanced Standard class at Tracker School
5. I won't shave off my Brethren beard at all this year (commemorating the CoB's 300th Anniversary) If I do reach my goal weight, I will plan to be clean shaven so that I can prove I have a jawline... other than that I plan to keep the beard
6. Make a point to journal daily if not weekly

We are a moment

A Place Apart has updated their website. I wanted to post a prayer from their site that really connected with me. It is a reworking of the Lord's Prayer. Read with an intentional heart...Be Blessed.

Dearest Father,

Creator God,

Embracing Mother,

Dwelling in the realm beyond our present seeing,

Your Spirit presence

Within every created thing.

May your name be reverenced in Holy honor.

May your reign be established,

The reign of justice and peace,

The reign of healing and well being,

Your will for all people,

Begun in Christ,

May it now be completed

On Earth,

As it is within the realm beyond our present sight,

Known in some deep place within us,

Half remembered from our beginning,

Longed for as our truest home.

We seek your provision,

The bread of our daily needs.

Forgive us the wrongs we have committed

Against others,

Against your creation,

Against your created order,

Against ourselves,

Against you.

In light of our understanding of your forgiveness of us

We cannot help but forgive all who have committed wrongs

Against us.

Lead us away from desires

That would be harmful to us or others.

Rescue us from the hold evil has on us.

Nurture in us desire

That expresses a passion for living fully.

Your reign is life,

Yours is enduring power,

Yours the glory that does not fade.

We are a moment,

You are forever. Amen

Thanks Rocky...

After being in Illinois for Thanksgiving, which I actually did pretty good meal wise, and an off week getting back into the routines I gained 3 pounds. After the weigh in this week I lost another 6 pounds and am committed to keeping up the weight loss. So in like six weeks I've lost 15 pounds! Makes me wonder how much more I could have lost if I hadn't missed those two weeks?

Nonetheless, I picked myself back up and kept on pushing myself in the gym (I've discovered how good the Rocky Soundtracks are for working out) and avoiding temptations with my meals. If you were to ask my wife, she'd verify that I have been on ACTIVE overdrive this past week... I have just so much energy...

15 pounds! I AM doing it and I WILL get there!

Keep cheering me on.

Classic example of a high electric bill!

Discoveries

It's only been 3 months since I've gone from being a common tracker (one who just identifies a track) to a master tracker (one who sees a mini landscape within the track that tells the animal's story). When I say master tracker, I'm not professing to have the art and science of it down; what I am professing is that I'm now able to see all those things that a common tracker misses. I used to be a common tracker, which I always saw as more of a hobby any way.

So why do I track?

Because I've learned as much about myself as I have the animals I've tracked. I'm discovering what qualities come alive in me that allows me to track in my own unique way. There is something raw about the nature of tracking. When I am down in the dirt studying a track, I'm suddenly participating in a mystery, since I may never catch up to the one leaving the prints or other sign. And it's at that moment something in me begins to change. It's as if I'm growing wild with fur or claws or a tail. I'm connected to nature/creation in a such a way that most people only romanticize about. I am living the words of the Inuit poet Nalungiaq:

In the very earliest time,
when both people and animals lived on the earth,
a person could become an animal if he wanted to
and an animal could become a human being.
Sometimes they were people
and sometimes animals
and there was no difference.
All spoke the same language.

Scariest Video Ever?

A rather simple but disturbing video using game theory analysis method to thinking of the correct approach to addressing global climate change. It's worthy of checking out and if nothing else (agree or disagree) is worth passing along to others.

Advent ramblings... er... devotional thoughts?

Some random thoughts floating around in my head as we enter the season of Advent.

1. Get priorities straight: I need to spend more time in Advent (awaiting Jesus' coming) rather than Venting on Ads (commercialism of the season).

2. If you are entering into Advent does that then become an Adventure? (you=u, are=r, entering=e) How does Jesus' coming to earth as a child make our life an Adventure?

Remember I said it first...

Future poets, philosphers, writers

In the past year I have become more interested in Nature Education and am discerning how it fits into my life's journey. At Tracker School, we had the opportunity to see a presentation from Children of the Earth Foundation. I believe it is crucial for children to grow up having contact with the natural world and plan to do so someday with my own children.

The Children of the Earth Foundation is a non-profit organization founded by Tom and Debbie Brown. Through their Coyote Tracks Programs, their organization teaches wilderness survival, nature awareness, tracking, and outdoor environmental education to youth ages 4-17.

Here is a shorted clip. If you wish to view the whole clip please go to the website.

I can hear Mike Hart weeping...

My Buckeyes look to be headed to the Rose Bowl!

Jim Tressel vs. Michigan

6-1

Another step in the journey

Weighing in after this week's workout.... 273 lbs.

In nearly 3 weeks since I started this journey, I've lost 12 pounds!

Week 1 Weight Loss: 5 lbs.
Week 2 Weight Loss: 4 lbs.
Week 3 Weight Loss: 3 lbs.
Total: 12 lbs.
Weight left to lose: 98 lbs.

I'm a little short of my target of five pounds a week, that's mostly cuz I went off my eating routine for a few days. After having a slight off week, I am ready to get back at it again and continue towards my goal. Nonetheless, I am grateful to be 12 pounds lighter.

Evolution

I agree.

Therefore...

These are traditional male self-definitions and sacred places or values from Sam Keen's book Fire in the Belly. Is there one that you identify with?

I am within Mother Earth; therefore I am. Neolithic man. Sacred place - the fertile earth.

I repeat the archetypical acts of the heroes and gods; therefore I am. Mythic man. Sacred place - the ritual, dance.

I contemplate reason; therefore I am. Greek man. Sacred place - the orderly dialogue, community, cosmos.

I obey the will of God; therefore I am. Hebrew, Christian, Islamic man. Sacred place - synagogue, church, mosque, the place of revelation.

I fight; therefore I am. The warrior. Sacred place - battlefield, ground consecrated by blood sacrifice.

I make; therefore I am. Industrial man. Sacred place - factory.

I work; therefore I am. Economic man. Sacred object - the almighty dollar, investment.

I possess; therefore I am. Capitalistic man. Sacred place - property.

I consume; therefore I am. Consuming man. Sacred place - the mall.

I am incorporated; therefore I am. Corporate man. Sacred place - the company.

I doubt; therefore I am. Questing man. Sacred path - the pilgrim spirit.

I suppose that makes me a QuestingNeolithicMythicGreekChristianquasiWarrior.

My impact number this week... 5

Just some quick updates...

After one week of eating better and some intense workouts (as well as some really good hiking with my bride in Hocking Hills area in southeast Ohio) I've lost 5 pounds. Only 105 more to go!

I just crossed the 5000 hit mark on this blog so I know there are folks out there reading my posts... thank you.

I'll continue to update you on my progress both physically and mentally.

Fully Alive Discussions

I encourage you to check out the A Place Apart Discussion Blog. Every Tuesday they are posting discussion questions and thoughts for devotional time. I've been active in the discussion thus far and hope to find within its posts and conversations a place where I belong. Maybe you will too.

Living vs. Dying

This will not become an annual post that just keeps repeating itself.

Last year in the midst of some struggles I chose to join the local Y and start working out again. And work out I did! I spent up to 3 hours a day in the gym about 5 or 6 days a week but I wasn't noticing much of a change in my body. Oh maybe 10 pounds here and there but I usually ballooned back up to the previous weight. The reason? I kept on with my old eating habits which kept putting more into my system than I could burn off.

Let me give you some examples of my food weaknesses that kept me from achieving my goal: Monster Burgers from Hardees, Classic Triples from Wendy's, Hamburger Helpers (usually could eat the WHOLE box myself), Totino's Pizzas, loads of meat, potatoes and pastas. You get the point. This continued even as recently as 1 month ago.

Coming back from Tracker School, I felt this aliveness that I had not felt for a long time and I knew that it was time to begin a journey physically that would ensure that I would be around long enough to continue to feel/be this ALIVE!

My Y membership had expired and I wanted to try a different fitness center and joined one only 3 miles from our apartment. After a few weeks of getting back into the gym on my own I knew that it was time for me to meet with a trainer to work on a game plan for me to achieve my weight loss goals that have continually alluded me for almost 5 years. Accountability is the other factor that I didn't have before, the fact that I can call upon the trainer to check in with me and help keep up my intensity will only ensure me reaching my weight loss goals.

As of yesterday, I started a meal plan that will basically eliminate carbs from my meals for 5-7 days. After that, my body will enter into a state of Ketosis which means that my body will begin to use my fat stores for energy rather than stored carbs. That will last about 2 days, then I will slowly reintroduce small portions of carbs into my meals next week. The trainer also got me started on a strength training and cardio workout that even after one day I feel like I did in high school after a 3 hour wrestling practice. Part of my problem with working out before was that I was going too long for too many days. If I work out only 1 hour a day for three days a week and do cardio every other day then my body will actually be able to burn more off than if I worked out for longer periods of time.

After using a Body Fat Monitor/Analyzer (which sends an electrical charge through your body to measure correct BMI) here are the numbers.

Weight: 285 lbs.
BMI: 33%
Pounds of fat on my body: 96 lbs.
Goal weight(according to Analyzer): 189 lbs.
My Goal weight: 175 lbs.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers and even send me an e-mail or post a comment to help keep me encouraged. I really do plan to post some pictures as I progress this time so keep me accountable! Okay... I'm off to the gym!

Closing thought:
I am not living at 285 pounds. I'm dying. And the time has come to break the chains of addictions, excuses and procrastination. The inner warrior has been awakened! The time for living and being ALIVE has come!

Reclaiming What Was Lost

"The tragedy in life is not what men suffer but what they miss."

- Thomas Carlyle

Life presents moments where you are suddenly aware of the half-life that you have been living and you long to unearth what's been lost... in doing so, you never see the world the way you did before.

I had just such a moment when I arrived in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey because I knew something was missing. Whatever it was, it had been missing since my youth, I was there hoping to reclaim it. The beaten path of my own life had become so deep it became a rut that I could no longer see over. When I got to the primitive site where our week was to take place, I began to have rather ambiguous feelings. The first being that after nearly 3 years of longing for this experience, I was elated with excitement, enthusiasm and curiosity. The other being of slight apprehension and an abundance of what if's and am I's? Was I doing this just because it it looked interesting or because I really wanted to integrate it into my lifestyle? Am I really strong enough to endure this? Am I a survivor? What if I don't find what I'm looking for?

My bare feet shuffled along the sand-laden trails that led up to the Taj (open lecture hall) and eating area. I was already beginning to feel as though I belonged here... maybe I was already starting to find what I was looking for.


I was apart of one of the last groups to be shuttled back to the primitive site so we had to move quickly to find a spot to set up our own camp. I didn't have time to get my tent set up because I did not want to miss the opening lecture by the school's founder Tom Brown Jr. There were 140 of us, much larger than the usual 80 or so allowed into the class because it was the last Standard Class of the year and Tom was able to be around more to give lectures.

Tom's opening lecture really did set the tone for the week, it was not going to be just about learning the skills that he learned from Grandfather but also the philosophy (Native American spirituality) that was so integrated into those skills. We weren't going to be pushed to the brink physically but mentally we going to be in for a very full week. Judging by my 100 or so pages of notes I'd say that qualifies. It was also important for us to grasp the reality that this is where Grandfather taught Tom, where Grandfather's camp still was and the sacredness of the Pine Barrens. There was a sense that the elders were watching over us and everything that we did must be done in a sacred manner. We were told that we are Grandfather's grandchildren and it is up to us to get this message out to a society that is destroying itself and the earth. Knowing that really prepares you for the kind of experience that doesn't just teach you but speaks to you!

By the end of our first 24 hours together we had a chance to do some real "Dirt Time" as the instructors called it. This was basically our time to begin practicing the skills that we were learning. By Monday afternoon we had been taught how to make and use a bowdrill to get fire by friction.


It was fascinating how quickly some folks started trying to get fire as if it were a competition to see who could be the first to make fire. There were some folks who got it by that evening. I, on the other hand, wanted to take my time in carving out my spindle and hand held; seeing it as an opportunity in thankfulness for the wood that would provide me with such an important survival need. I watched for two days as countless people bowed back and forth trying to get a fire only to end up with a short lived coal or nothing at all. By Wednesday I was ready to try to make my fire. My first attempt was met with an instructor giving me some pointers on my technique and on my second attempt I gave life to fire.


At this point I knew that I was meant to be there. I was starting to feel alive again. There is something sacred that happens when you create a fire, it tends to create life in you as well. I have never felt as alive as I did when I blew into that tinder bundle and saw my coal catch fire!

By Tuesday we had learned basic survival mentality, how to find water, create fire by friction, cordage and trapping. It was Tuesday morning that we began to get into the one aspect of the school that Tom is obsessive about: Tracking. This was also one of the aspects of wilderness survival that most appealed to me. Over the next 4 mornings we covered measurements, identifying animal family tracks, pattern compressions and variations, over 700 pressure releases (miniature landscapes within a track), motion, head positions, digitals, lobulars, toe ridges, debris compressions, dust & gait compressions. I don't expect you to understand any of what I just listed but it gives you an idea just how deep we got into tracking. Simply put, it is more than just identifying a track.



On the last Tracking lecture Friday morning, Tom lined us all up along the trails and he identified 50 or so (who knows I lost count) tracks and labeled them for us. Then all 140 of us spent the next hour and a half studying, training our eyes and getting dirty as we began to read the stories of the different animal tracks. Before we did so he told us to "look at the ground one last time cuz you'll never see it the same way again." It's crazy, all I do know is look at the ground for tracks and any chance I get to read the track. It gets to be an obsession.


I especially loved the lecture and chance to practice our Stalking and Movement, Throwing Arts and Natural Camouflage which was taught by Tom's son, Tommy or T3. I had been doing fox walking for a little over a year and was surprised at how natural it felt to me. Weasel walking however was a different story. My good eye-hand coordination came in handy when it came time to practice throwing sticks. I hit my targets with both throwing techniques. I am excited about the possibility to practice my stalking technique and get to understand animals better in the process.


Our diet consisted solely of soups/stew that had a different ingredient added to it each meal. On Monday night you were thinking "Man I can't take another bowl of stew," only to have Wednesday lunch come around and you're like "Man this stew is damn good!" It wasn't until Thursday that we got to have a "Primitive buffet" after viewing one of the instructor's "Primitive Cooking Show." Let me just say that in my opinion the crickets were best!

By the time Friday was here we had added how to construct a debris hut and other advanced earth shelters, the hand drill, identifying edible plants and their many uses, flint knapping, brain tanning as well as a host of other survival skills. Needless to say, we went from having a basic understanding of wilderness survival to having an abundance of resources that were at our fingertips. We had bonded as well. We were gathering around the fire finding anything we could bang on and drummed and danced as much as we possibly could. In the strangest way we were forming community, barefoot and covered with the dirt of Mother Earth... we were worshiping in the rawest, most simple way. We felt... no we were ALIVE!

It was in the last sessions Saturday morning that we had a chance to switch gears a little. Tom spent a good bit of time talking to us about Awareness as it pertains to the wilderness and to everyday life. This was the most challenging/real/inspirational/frustrating talk I had ever been in and it shook my foundations a little (which I always see as a good thing). Most of you know that I am a pretty contemplative guy and pursue any conversation/talk around spirituality/faith/philosophy. I sat on that hard bench weeping. Knowing that even though I claim to be one who is aware, often times I'm really not. How could I be such an outdoorsy kind of guy but seemingly miss a lot of what nature is whispering to me. I made a promise that day that I would choose each day to be aware and that I would miss nothing.

It has been one month since my calloused feet fox walked across those sandy trails and from the moment I saw that paved road or got off that plane back in Ohio, I knew that my world was never going to be the same again. I took up the call to be a warrior for Mother Earth. For the first time in years I feel like I know her in a way that I hadn't before. I wasn't just seeing or getting out in nature. I was feeling her, smelling her, tasting her, breathing her in.

And I found what I had lost. I became that boy that I was 20 years ago. Full of wonder, awe and awareness. A boy that didn't care if he got dirty or took risks because it meant he was curious and full of adventure... full of life! I was entering the Kingdom as a child.

I now see the Spirit that is in all and moves through all things. I realized that of all the things I've suffered in this life nothing has been as tragic as what I've missed because I chose not to be aware. "Dirt time" has that effect on you. You know that old John Denver lyric: He was born in the summer of his 27th year... it's like I've been born all over again in this my 27th year.

Disclaimer to my Tracker School Reflections

There is no way that I can begin to put this experience into words, to be honest it has been hard enough to find the words to begin with. I chose to honor Grandfather and Tom by not going into great detail about the lectures and philosophy. Nor do I want to ruin it for someone who might be interested in a Standard Course themselves. I will highlight some of the things that stood out to me but trust me, there will be a lot left out as well.

I believe in mystery.

I can only hope that my reflections will open the door a crack to let in a bit of light that can only be opened in the fullness of your own experience. So it is with that in mind I finally offer reflections from my week at Tracker School.

In love with the desert

On the heels of my previous post and the constant processing of my Tracker School experience there is a Wendell Berry quote that has been bouncing around in my head like a pinball.

If change is to come, it will come from the margins,
it was the desert not the temple that gave us the prophets.

In terms of my vocation, I've pondered a time or two about whether I could best be an agent for change in the church... would it be by staying in (pastoral) ministry and all that it entails or someplace completely different than the church setting... or is it really both?

In some manner my experience away from pastoral ministry this past year has served as a kind of desert for me. I mean that in a good way... think the Prophets, John the Baptist, Desert Fathers. My desert/wilderness has enabled me to come alive and see the world in ways that I had missed before.

Simply put, I didn't get that in the temple (think church) I did however find it in the desert/wilderness.

S(Pr)aying Goodbye

I have known for some time but found out specific details just recently that the congregation that I served as pastor for 4 years will be closing their doors and merging with another congregation starting in October. They are having a celebration the last Sunday of this month for 169 years of serving God and the North Manchester community. My wife and I will certainly be attending.

It has been one year this week that I resigned as pastor and I though I knew God was calling me to other places, I couldn't help but to wonder if my resignation would also mark the church's closure as well. I have wondered if the congregation would still be going had I chosen to remain. Not that I was what kept the congregation going, but there was a sense that by having someone in the community of faith who could actively lead/shepherd a congregation would in some way keep what ministries they had going. Maybe it was because I was young/naive enough to believe so. Nonetheless, it is hard to say goodbye to something that was so entrenched into your life, to a family that ministered to you as much as you did for them.

You just wonder sometimes about how your decisions really do affect others.

Ask Me in a Month...

Josh left me a comment on my previous post about my experience at Tracker School. Trust me, as much as I want to start posting my reflections, I told myself that I wanted to recopy all of my notes (about 100 pages worth) into a nicer journal with my own reflections first.

This was the first experience in a very long time that challenged me and left me wanting more and I didn't feel like I could do justice to Grandfather, Tom, the staff and volunteers by just diving into it without having really processed it. When people started asking "How was it?" My first response was to ask me in a month, now that nearly three weeks have past, I believe I am able to begin to respond to those questions.

Once the journal is looking like it is completed then I will start adding my reflections here. That might start happening this weekend... we'll see.

Josh and others, thanks for your interest in my experience and blog.

Calling out within

It was nearly a year and a half ago that I posted the ways in which I was planning to incorporate the different aspects of the archetypes that we discovered at the A Place Apart retreat into my own life.

I thought it appropriate to revisit some of those ways or goals especially of the Warrior since that feels most like the archetype that is calling out within me and given my recent experience at Tracker School.

- After going nearly 7 months without an active strength and cardiovascular workout (even though my work has kept me "somewhat" in shape) I joined a new fitness center and will continue my physical fitness and weight loss journey setting smaller goals at a time in order that I may reach my goal of losing about 100 pounds and maintaining a healthy physical lifestyle.
- I'm starting back on the Body for Life Program, which is one part working out, the other part eating balanced and portion controlled meals. This was reinforced by our diet at Tracker School and part of the reason I lost nearly 10 pounds that week!
- I don't spend the time that I used to before working full-time but I do get over to the local park across the street pretty frequently, especially now that I have a tracker eye as well as other opportunities to hone my wilderness survival skills.
- Living without fear and insecurity. Whether it be of what other people think of me or how the culture seeks to control me be keeping me afraid. I am practicing fearlessness. I am still doing this without fail!
- I am continuing to live out an active nonviolent lifestyle.
- I completed the Standard Course at Tracker School and I believe that I will be taking another class in the future.
- I really believe that my next step is to do my Vision Quest!

Into the Wild

I am anxiously awaiting for this movie to hit theaters. It seems like the first movie (in a while) that really speaks to the adventurer in all of us. Unfortunately, it is only going to be a limited release on September 21st and it isn't playing anywhere around here yet. So I thought the trailer could wet your whistle. Enjoy!

Opportunities

My wife and I went and saw Evan Almighty last night. It was alright and certainly more of a family film than its predecessor. There was one gem from the movie I thought was worth mentioning. It comes at a pivotal point in the film where God (Morgan Freeman) dispels a bit of wisdom about prayer and our intentions:

... If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Just thought that was something to reflect on as we go about our "prayer" lives.

Taking some time

I know what you're thinking...

When's Randall going to post about his experience at Tracker School?

Trust me, I am still processing a lot of it, in a good way.

People are asking "How was it?" and so far, the only response that I feel best describes it is this:

It is as though I have been baptized
and am seeing the world in a new way,
if not for the first time.

Trust me, there is much more to come.

The only thing constant is...

I like a fresh change every now and then. Just ask my wife. Different rooms in our apartment get rearranged about every other month. I get bored with having things be the same all the time! I understand this can be both good and bad, though usually with me it is a good thing. So as you can see, it's time for a change here with the blog as well.

The moment I feel that the blog has been "nailed down" will probably be the time I delete the whole thing. Like my own journey, I want it to reflect its creator and the different life circumstances I am at that present moment.

A little over a year ago, I changed the name and format of the blog from Liminal Space to Quest for Abundant Life then shorted it to Quest for Life. I did away with the LS title for certain reasons. Now I am feeling as though Q4L just seems to broad/general. Isn't that what we are all on (or most of us at least).

Yeah, I could be like some folks and just start another blog but I don't want to be managing more then what I already have. It's easier for me to just update my main blog.

It wasn't until I started rereading one particular book that seemed to encapsulate where I am in my life/faith journey. And it still represents my "quest." Plus, I also wanted to focus more on the things that I am most passionate about. Particularly the outdoor/wilderness survival, male spirituality, nature education and rites of passage. It won't be exclusively those subjects but you will see more of them, more frequently.

I settled on Sacred Fire because it has more of a concrete image for me as a man who loves nature, spirituality and adventure. It embodies all sorts of biblical and natural imagery as well. Again, I will not change the web address only the name and the layout. I hope to set aside more time for posting in the future and not neglect it so much. Let me know what you think. I hope that there are still folks out there who read this thing.

Focus

Taken from my journal:

distraction - what we do to avoid talking about what matters most.

vision - not being distracted!

I wonder which of the two definitions I identify with more? I'm reminded of the verse in Proverbs, Where there is no vision, the people perish (29:18a KJV). I suppose the same can be said of our faith...

Reignited

I am convinced that Camp Mack is sacred ground! Every time I'm there I encounter God's presence in a way that is often different than in my day-to-day circumstances. This past week only confirmed that sense.

I spent 8 days volunteering as a counselor for a group of 15 & 16 year olds who chose not to go to the typical "youth" camp. Instead they chose to dive deeper in their spiritual life through disciplines like prayer, meditation, journaling, Bible study and exercise while having a wilderness living experience in tents, cooking all their meals over an open fire and exploring nature. So right off the bat, these youth were already longing for a different experience.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I was looking forward to this time not only for the youth but for my own faith journey as well. Since I have been back to work full-time, I believe that it has diminished my devotional life. My longing is still there, it's just that so often the time isn't like I'd want it to be. So I came into the week feeling spiritually stagnant, wondering if what I had to offer the youth would be worthy. On the other hand, I had a chance to infuse the two things that I am most passionate about in my life right now: spirituality and nature. I was hoping that between the two, I could reignite the ember of my spiritual life.

I did.

The life of Christ reignited itself into my being. For the first time in months, I began to pray again. I began to breathe again. I began to commune with creation again. I was becoming alive again! I had retaken up the Quest for Life!

Maybe it was the intentionality of having to go get our food and water or getting comfortable in your tent each night. Maybe it was taking the time to get a fire ready so that you could eat. Maybe it was the worship times in the tipi or going creek stomping to observe animals, insects and birds. Maybe it was the quiet, away from all the noise that fills our heads day in and day out. Maybe it was doing without all the "technology" that permeates our existence. Maybe it was the one-on-one time spent with youth in which you heard their stories. Maybe...

Maybe it was everything...

Jesus-jitsu

This was more fun than I ought to be having with biblical characters. Click here to see if you can make Jesus can kick Satan's butt. It took me a couple of rounds but in the end... Satan went down! Have fun and let me know how it went for you.

Unplugging

This coming week I will be at camp serving as a counselor for high school youth in a wilderness/spiritual discipline camp.

The timing for this camp is perfect considering I've been neglecting my own spiritual journey these past few months. My passions can be found in the two-fold aspects of the camp. We'll be doing everything outdoors from sleeping in tents (or under the stars like me), cooking all of our food over a fire, canoeing etc... And all the while, we'll be doing the spiritual disciplines like Lectio, meditation, exercise, bible studies etc...

I am looking forward to turning the cell phone off, parking the car, being away from the computer, being nowhere near ice and getting the #@%% OUT OF THE CITY!

I pray that this will be a time for me to have some spiritual renewal in the midst of my crazy life right now. I look forward to sharing some faith reflections once I get back!

A pacifist-kife-toting Dunkard

I just ordered my knife for Tracker School. A friend of mine recommended it to me and I even got to play with his for a week before I ordered mine.

Ok, I know there are those out there who think "Randall is Mr. Brethren Guy or a staunch pacifist" and this comes as a shock to you that I am interested (and always have been) in knives and bow & arrows. It was guns that I was never fond of nor was allowed to have growing up. Knives and bows however were a different story.

Man, this felt good to post again.... I need to be better at keeping up here instead of neglecting it so much. Much more to come.

Stepping into the warrior life

Most of you know that my favorite movie genre is the big Historical Epic/Adventure films and this past week I finally got to see one of the best of that genre. 300 was the first film in a long time that I felt I had to go see more than once. And I did!

There wasn’t an aspect of the film that I didn’t enjoy. In the midst and long after the film, I began reflecting on my own longing for a Warrior life. No, I certainly am not going to sign up for the military! I believe that there is another way, a better, healthier way of being a Warrior.

I remember that it was a year ago that I had an awakening and a healthy understanding of what a Warrior looked like. I suppose that I need to revisit those goals and begin to live them out as best as I can.

One of those goals that I have wanted to achieve for nearly two years will finally happen as I pack my bags for the Pine Barrens in New Jersey at the end of August and take the Standard Course at Tom Brown's Tracker School. Maybe it will be the launch pad for me to fully immerse my being into the life of a Warrior.

Longing in the midst of working

Sorry that I have not posted in a while. I have been busy working full-time again with Home City Ice as well as continuing to deliver the Journal Gazette 7 days a week. I'll make an attempt to post more as time allows...

It's funny how last year I was at the APA retreat at Camp Mack living out the deepest longings of my heart and 1 year later I am living a life of work with little time to reconnect with those longings.

Becoming what you are

These have been real words of encouragement for me lately. It is taken from The Sources of Taize.

Fulfillment?
Are you hesitating over a choice for fear of making a mistake?

Stop summoning your own darkness to cover your refusal. Happy are those who tent their hands from their eyes and dare to go forward, sustained solely by the trusting of faith.

Fulfillment?
Become what you are in your heart of hearts...
and the gates of a spirit of childhood will open, the wonder of a love.

A fountain of gladness surges up for you. Not euphoria, not just any kind of joy, but the jubilation that comes form the wellsprings of eternity.

Point of no Return

(A prayer of confession, written 4/13/07)

Risen Christ,

You expect the whole of my life,
And yet all I have given are mere crumbs.

You are praying within me day and night,
But I set aside 30 minutes for devotions.

You are the source of living water,
But I prefer to dig cracked cisterns.

Tirelessly You were seeking me,
All the while, I sought You only when I was weary and tired.

You give me strength to rise beyond my past,
Once my hand is on the plow, I preferred to look back.

You have placed on my finger the ring of the prodigal son,
And I know there's a vast pasture that holds herds of fatted calves
for every time I've crawled home.

You ask me to commit myself to the point of no return,
Yet somehow, it remains a threshold I am unwilling to cross.

Forgive me.
Heal me.
Strengthen me.
Open me.
Receive me.

Musicians in touch with their masculinity...

There must be some common kinship I feel with other musicians that have big beards. I have been really fascinated by artists such as:

Matisyahu

Iron & Wine

Ray LaMontagne

William Fitzsimmons

Check out their music and beards!

I have said recently that I do not have the look of a rock star with my Brethren Beard, but these guys are proving me wrong and encouraging as well.

Easter humor

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank.

He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Good Friday?

A worthwhile meditation for Good Friday...

Click to Launch

If washing feet is wrong then I don't wanna be right!

Here's the article about a group of students that were suspended from college because they chose to wash the feet of their new members.

Our words

In my time of meditation and devotion this morning, I had something stand out. One line, from Psalm 51:15 "Open my lips, O Lord..."

I am a person who is all about the words we use. The language we choose to use is important to me and I often find that I lack patience with people who just spurt off without really thinking about what they are saying. I usually contemplate my words before speaking and I find that I am able to really convey what my mind and heart is wanting to speak. This came especially helpful when I was serving as a pastor and people needed me to speak words of comfort and faith to their circumstances (which I didn't always do so well).

What about those times when words are hard to find? Be it words of love, sympathy, encouragement or exaltation. Believe me, when I say that all of us have had moments just like that. I often find that I cannot find the energy or motivation to search for those words. So this one line of scripture spoke to my lack of evoking God's help to communicate certain experiences. I know that silence (and presence) is usually the best response but maybe we can be more willing to seek God's help in our daily communication... Open our lips... and maybe what we choose to say will become the breath and presence of God.

APA update

A Place Apart has updated their website. It now has multiple links that you can access everything from APA's purpose to who's who at APA to a resource center in which you can get training manuals, videos, breviaries and the upcoming CD that is due out this Spring. Whew! This could get dangerous boys and girls... check it out, you just might find yourself saying YES to A Place Apart.

Concrete Lives, Asphalt Journeys

We were at the Co-op for a night of Celtic music last Saturday and our conversation turned to our lack of encountering the natural world. My wife said the following:

I spend the majority if not all of my work days on concrete or asphalt. From the time I get up, when I walk on the sidewalk to my car, to being at work all day and coming home to our apartment. I hardly ever get the chance to actually walk on grass!

That made quite an impression on me. For how many of us does that statement become true. Reflect back on your typical day. How much of it are you encountering the natural world? It could be as simple as taking your shoes off and walking on the grass. Make a promise to yourself that this Spring you will make and effort to walk on the grass barefoot a little more if nothing else.

Amplifying Time

In the month that we have gone without television, I am finding what Richard Louv said to be true.

Unlike television, nature does not steal time, it amplifies it.

Since the days have been getting longer and the temperatures here have been averaging in the mid-50's, I have found myself where I imagined I would be... spending more time at the park across from our apartment and tapping into an energy that I have not felt for quite some time.

In an earlier post, I mentioned some of the things that have taken place since I've put the TV away. I was afraid initially that I would get bored easily or that time would seem to stand still. I have found the opposite to be true, like the quote above, time has been amplified. As I write this post, I assure you that the past month has been one of unlimited creativity and imagination. I am also finding that my prayer life has deepened in a way that before I could only fantasize about. The depth and clarity of my mind in this time has provided me with a sense of direction that I have been questioning these past few months. Needless to say, things are starting to come into bloom just as the natural world around me is beginning to awaken from its winter slumber as well.

So a quick review of some of the effects of no TV for a month:

- Vividly remembering almost all my dreams
- Written numerous "new" songs into my already large repertoire
- A seemingly endless array of creative writing (i.e. fiction)
- Building better community with friends and family though more telephone calls and getting together to play games
- More time to read
- Maintaining an intimacy (via communication, physically) with my wife that sometimes goes unnoticed when we keep ourselves distracted
- A prayer life that is more intentional
- I have more clarity about "next steps" for my journey as it pertains to school, work and life
- I seem to be losing weight (10 lbs. in 2 months) as well since I 'm outside more and am better about getting to workout
- Making better use of my time
- I'm not as tired as I used to be even a month ago

Again, as more of these creations become more tangible, I'll post them here.

May your life be a semblance of the natural world around you. Always in bloom, always giving.

Purging our sin

There has to be some allure with guilt and the need for repentance that gravitates me towards the season of Lent. I’m not a glutton for punishment or a sadist by any means and growing up in the Anabaptist tradition provided very little in the way of mapping out the Lenten journey and it’s importance. It wasn’t until I was in college that I attended my first Ash Wednesday service.

Maybe it is because in my own experience the modern church has under-emphasized the role of sin in our lives in order to make the church more user/seeker friendly. In doing so, we may have also under-emphasized the role of repentance as well. I know that these are Christian buzzwords that carry baggage and I usually don’t like to use them either. For the last seven years, I’ve made the Lenten season one of intentional repentance for my spiritual journey. Yes, I do choose to give something up and use the time for “going deeper within”, but I am learning that my need for deep repentance isn’t something “bad” or to be ashamed of rather it something that allows for a fresh space inside in which there is room to grow. So I ask myself, “What is my attraction to guilt and repentance?”

The Lenten devotional I am reading from uses the 51^st Psalm as the guide. Today’s meditation focused on verse 7a:

Purge me from my sin, and I shall be made pure.

Purge meaning includes: thorough, total, complete elimination. As a word it’s a very good one to use in relation to sin. I can only think of one other instance today that we use it; when we talk about a particular eating disorder known as “binging and purging”. Without dispelling all the details of the disorder, there is a very vivid image that comes to mind when we speak of it. I believe the Psalmist is being very graphic in relation to our sin and how it is embedded deep within our being and therefore must be purged from within us. I know, the image you are getting here is one that can make you queasy, but maybe that is why there is such an interest for me in the chance to re-penetrate the Lenten journey every year. Maybe it’s because I have not properly purged from myself the sin within.

In this time of emptiness, God empties us (Think of Christ's kenosis in Philippians 2:7). In doing so, we are made pure, opened to receive the fullness and abundance of new life in Christ. There’s a great prayer that was at the end of todays devotional that I believe sums up the Lenten journey.

My God,
I love you.
You are the only thing.
Please forgive me
of everything else.

Two Tons

Wow! Q4L has now had over 4,000 visits since October 2005 (there would be more hits had I added a stat counter when I created the blog in February 2005) so for the sake of argument I will mentally tabulate an extra 500-1000 visitors on to what my current counter says.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog. I enjoy using this as a forum for my ideas and ramblings and it is so democratic as well!

From numbness to creativity

An interesting thing has happened to me in the past week. Brenda and I decided to unplug the television and DVD/VCR player and put them in the closet for the season of Lent. We even rearranged our living room to have all the furniture in a circle-like setting facing each other. We look so Old German Baptist Brethren now! I have found that I am not as addicted to the tube as I thought I was. I’ve not had any problems with the temptation to plug it back in (trust me it is there). The book I am currently reading suggests that giving up television is an excellent way to move beyond other addictions. I see this working because I have had less of a desire to eat fast food (which really is my addiction); maybe it is not seeing all those commercials but it’s working for me. It is nice to sit in the living room during quiet evenings with Brenda as she does her knitting or punch needling and I am reading or writing. It’s nice to not have to talk over the TV to hear each other.

That’s not what I wanted to blog about, that was just the background to what I really have been experiencing this past week.

Coincidently, since I have not had the barrage of distractions via the TV, I have noticed that I am dreaming a lot more. A LOT MORE! I know, I know, we all dream whether we remember it or not, but I am really dreaming! I have had multiple dreams in one night for the past week and I can remember them, which is something that rarely happens!

Not only am I remembering more of my dreams, but also I have noticed a new streak of creativity! I have written brand new songs that have just been coming to me as well as other ways of increased creativity. Maybe this is because we haven’t had the distractions that we had before but I am beginning to believe that it is a result of not having my mind fixed on a box with moving pictures that does my thinking for me and zaps my creativity. I’ll post more later as the weeks progress.

President using Biblical quotes... for once not out of context!

Well Said Amen

1,096 days

It has been three years today that Mom passed away. I still miss her dearly.

Walking the path of an Eagle

I'm not sure how many of you have heard about this or not but I found it too fascinating to pass by. The Grand Canyon Skywalk has been in construction since March of 2004 and is scheduled to be completed by the end of March this year. It's a Glass Bridge that extends 70 feet out of the canyon top and the Colorado River flows 4,000 feet below it!

The man who envisioned it is a member of the Hualapai tribe and the money goes to supporting the Hualapai nation. His intent was to be able to recreate what it was like for an eagle to fly over the Grand Canyon... only for us.

My family has talked about going to the Grand Canyon this spring or summer and I would love to just lie on the glass on my stomach and look down 4,000 feet and imagine that I am an eagle soaring!

Belonging

The aborigines of Australia say that for each person there is one place in the natural world where he most belongs, a place that is a part of him and where he is part of that place. In finding that place, he also finds his true self.

I'm still looking for that place. Have you found yours? If so, reflect on your belonging to that place and the message it continues to speak to you.

Horizons

Another poem by David Whyte. Think of these words as being spoken by a wise and caring elder to a frightened initiate.

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

(House of Belonging)

Falling toward the center of our longing

In one of the book's I'm currently reading, I came across this poem by David Whyte. I believe it captures the spirit of what our life journey is and should be about.

Self Portrait

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
Or many gods.
I want to know if you belong -- or feel abandoned;
If you know despair
Or can see it in others.
I want to know
If you are prepared to live in the world
With its harsh need to change you;
If you can look back with firm eyes
Saying "this is where I stand."
I want to know if you know how to melt
Into that fierce heat of living
Falling toward the center of your longing.
I want to know if you are willing
To live day by day
With the consequence of love
And the bitter unwanted passion
Of your sure defeat.
I have been told
In that fierce embrace
Even the gods
Speak of God.

~ David Whyte ~

(Fire in the Earth)

5 different looks

Goatee (Second most common look)

Clean shaven (I look like I'm 14)

Brethren Beard (My most common look)

Full Beard (Mr. Counterculture!)

Mountain Man Goatee (Name says it all)

I was having some fun with different styles of facial hair! Gotta favorite?

What matters most

The message today at church was particularly challenging in light of an all too familiar passage of scripture that has been used probably throughout all Christianity in order to convert to the faith. It got me thinking about our “aliveness”. When we read the passage, we must not forget that it was written not to unbelievers but to a church that had become lukewarm.

I agree with the message about how it is easier to work with someone who is spiritually “cold”, because they care enough to disagree; versus someone who is a “lukewarm”, apathetic, quasi-Christian. Even more so is the fact that God prefers us to be either hot or cold.

There is an affirmation response that we used at the A Place Apart retreat last year that really captured the kind of aliveness that God seeks for our lives:

This is what matters most now
To know the one who died and came to life
To walk in the way that he walked
To love in the way that he loved
To come alive
To be alive
Now and forever*

Last May, I posted a series of reflections on the heels and after the A Place Apart weekend about our atrophied spirits and what it means to be alive. I was so moved by the experience that I ended up renaming my blog from Liminal Space to Quest for Life. I believe I am really starting to uncover in my own life the ways that my spirit has become atrophied. My quest for life has been shared with you about the places that I fell most alive. I hope that we can all benefit from such a quest rather than our persistent state of narcolepsy.

Reread the Revelation text and sit with the imagery of what it means to have passion in your life and who may be drawing that passion out of your present “mummified” state.

Hot?
Cold?
Lukewarm?

Your life?
The church?
America?

Where are you and where are we going?

*From the A Place Apart Training Manual, pg. 82

Eight Intelligences

One of the many interesting points made in the Louv's book, Last Child in the Woods, dealt with the Theory of Multiple Intelligences.

This is a small summary from that chapter in the book:

Howard Gardner, a professor of education at Harvard, developed his influential theory of multiple intelligences in 1983. (He) argued that the traditional notion of intelligence, based on the I.Q. testing, was far too limited; he instead proposed seven types of intelligences to account for a broader range of human potential in children and adults. These included: linguistic ("word smart"); logical-mathematical ("number/reasoning smart"); spatial ("picture smart"); bodily-kinesthetic ("body smart"); musical ("music smart"); interpersonal ("people smart"); intrapersonal ("self smart"). More recently, he added an eighth intelligence: naturalist ("nature smart").

I can think of two strong intelligences that I claim as my own with bits of other ones as well. Whether you agree with Gardner or not, the author was challenging the reader not to overlook each child's (or your own) possible intelligence and how they may best be able to learn.

I can only imagine if I had more training in the naturalist intelligence of how much more knowledgeable I'd be. Many children today are lacking a nature education form of training to heighten their own nature intelligence.

- Quote from page 71 in the book.

U2-charist

An Anglican church in the U.K. is replacing their traditional hymns with songs from U2. Read more here.

Less of a headache

I tend to get a headache when I read certain blogs that are packed with A LOT of info and I noticed that my own blog fell into that category. So I decided to simplify the blog and focus more on the posts rather than all the other content. Hope it gives you less of a headache and let me know how it looks while I'm still tweaking it.

Childhood Nature Memoir

I am writing this a form of therapy after having completed Richard Louv’s book Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder. I encourage you to sit down and write a Childhood Nature Memoir of your own, you might be suprised as to what you've forgotten. My next post will include reflections form the book.


When I am asked to ponder my childhood (and early teenage years), my most vivid memories and images are directly connected to nature. My summers were spent swimming, fishing, climbing trees, building forts, swinging, riding my bike, playing hide and seek, throwing a baseball etc… Simply stated, I was outdoors all the time.

We lived out in the country in a 3-bedroom ranch style home about 10 miles east of Greenville Ohio. I had most everything that a boy could ask for, not to mention my best friend lived only a mile from me. It was there that I remember being allowed to wander free without fear or hesitation. In fact, my parents encouraged it. Behind our house sat an old abandoned campground site where just beyond its grasp laid a captivating, untamed woodland and a clear, indigo creek surged. It brings to mind a few instances where I was able to get back into the woods and discover oak trees that had yet to be climbed, trails yet to be carved out and a creek that begged for a boy to leap in to. I only had a few years of play in this “unscathed wilderness” because the old campground site was soon bought up to accommodate a new four million-dollar home and a fancy row of pine trees to insure its privacy. Needless to say, if I wanted to get back to the woods I had to do so under the radar of a security system. It wasn’t that I didn’t try a few times either. I would later have access to the creek because of a local historic mill about a mile away that was powered by that creek. I would ride my bike or walk down there all the time to walk the trails and hear the running water from the falls to the mill.

Our backyard became my safe haven where I could chase my dogs around, handle frogs and snakes as well as lie on my back and gaze at the clouds during the day and contemplate the cosmos and the stars at night. We had bonfires out in the backyard using an old semi rim that Dad found; we’d roast hot dogs, make s’mores and invite neighbors over to visit. Since we didn’t always have money to go on vacations, Dad always made sure to set up our big 8 person tent in the back yard a couple of times a year for us to camp out.

I loved being outdoors even when the weather wasn’t cooperating. There were countless times that I would stand outside watching storm clouds and thunderheads rolling the sky amazed by the impeding danger that was to come. When it got really bad, dad and I would sit out in the garage with the garage door open in our lawn chairs and listen to the thunder and watch the lightning and the rain. It was always good times.

When my folks bought the house in 1978 there were only two trees on the property, when we left it 21 years later there were ten. My dad wasn’t much of a naturalist but he did love to plant and take care of our trees and my mom enjoyed tending to her flower garden when it wasn’t being destroyed by countless entities.

My mother’s side of the family were farmers and I remember helping out and being on the farm helping with chores and just being around the animals. Strangely enough, I never went to camp growing up because of my involvement in baseball. I was involved with Cub Scouts for a few years but my involvement in sports took precedence.

But it was when I had no structured time that I believe impacted me the most because it gave way to my creative imagination. That is how I learned what I know today not because I studied it or was tested on it rather I made a special bond with that moment. The experience became a part of me. More to come…