Wondering

For as much as I believe that I am called to be in the church (vocationally); I sometimes wonder if the church is really the best place for me? Two instances this past weekend that made me ponder these very things.

First, I spent a total of 4 hours on the road with another Brethren pastor who I had never met until I showed up at his church to catch a ride. We did as expected, spent most of our time talking about the state of the church as it related to our experiences. I've often wondered if people really get me because I am a pretty deep guy and have thought more than a time or two that people have just been tolerating me and my views because they don't want to discourage a young adult from ministry. I've even wondered if this was the reason my home church would keep re-licensing me to ministry, even if I was not representative of who they are. So I was elated to spend time with another pastor who in essence "got me" and shared our common experiences. I got to district conference feeling pretty good like "hey I just might fit in here."

Second. For the majority of the time that I was at conference, I sat in on business sessions and reports. There was one item of business that was pretty divisive among delegates and discussion for and against the lasted for nearly an hour. For the first time ever, I stood up to share on the item at hand. I quoted God's response to Job as a way of presenting (a prophetic?) an ambiguous argument for both sides of the issue. What I got was the sound of crickets and some heads shaking a visible "no." I sat down wondering if I had made the wisest choice... after all I usually don't make a statement in that environment unless I sense the Holy Spirit was encouraging me to do so. Then I started thinking... why did I make that statement? This was my first introduction into the district after all. Did I make it to be liked? Or did I make it to speak truth? I'm not entirely certain and only time will tell on that one.

It got me thinking though. I see the North American Church as clinging to the old paradigm and patterns of doing things. This way is failing and I cannot understand why the church insists on doing it this way. My other thought was "Am I still operating out of the old paradigm as well?" My sense is a strong NO. As I reflected back on the situation, my words may have been decidedly in a new paradigm way of thinking and that is why I got the response that I did. So I ask the question again, In my attempt to get people thinking in a new way am I being misunderstood? Maybe.

Is my vocational life best suited to be in the church or with one foot in and the other out (i.e. outdoor ministry, wilderness living education)? I've mentioned before that in some ways I feel like John the Baptist, returning to the church after having spent ( literally and metaphorically) time in the wilderness and bringing back to the church what the wilderness experience taught me.

This is part of the intentional discernment process that I am now in. Keep me in your prayers that this time of discernment would be fruitful.